What feels better good thoughts or bad?
As we went about our day yesterday I could tell that Matt had created a stressful mood for himself. I know that from one moment to the next can change and sometimes some guidance can help create a better mood.
At the table it begins right after breakfast, "I want to not be angry any more." he says in slow thought word spacing Matt talk. Yes a little out of it and emotionally confused. "its all good just think about what makes you happy." I tell him. Hoping that he would just begin thinking of good things.
Many conversations of how he just want's to be happy and not be angry any more and god and devil and all that happen. I continue to remind him all he has to do is think of things he is grateful for, what he loves and what makes him happy.
He leaves only to return a few moments later stand right in front of me and say. "I know he doesn't want me." although I think I know who he is talking about I ask "Who?"
He pauses, yes I know who he is talking about.
He tries to form his words and he say's "I look back to this past year and I see he doesn't want me." Yes I know for sure who he is talking about.
What do you do when your child has spent so much time wanting a relationship with someone but they, themselves have proven time and time again they are not interested? As painful as it is for a parent to go through this, as painful as it is for a child of any age to go through this, it happens. I tell him "Well sweety not much we can do about other people that is his loss, I am grateful for you everyday.
The day continued this way back and forth with different confusing emotions.
Matt is very empathetic, very loving, very kind and very loyal and being abandoned he does not understand and sometimes he doesn't know why.
I try helping him with gratitude's, with happy thoughts, with tapping, showing him the painting we created that says just be happy and of course love but by dinner time he is still the same stressing and full of emotion not knowing where to put it. It is sometimes very hard to connect with Matt when he is out of it and not able to do what I would like him to do to de-stress.
At the dinner table as i am still cooking he has a drop seizure with out falling face pail white as a ghost and out of it falling back into his chair. A few moments later I hear him behind me and feel him hugging me "I love you mom" he says shacking and pail I hug him back and say 'I love you to bud now go sit down dinner will be in a few moments.
A seizure brought on by stress more then likely.
As I get everyone to the table and begin to bring the food Matt begins to get angry at Mike over something, yes he is out of the drop seizure and straight into anger. I got his attention away from his anger for a moment and reminded him it was dinner time and we were almost ready to eat.
After dinner as I was cleaning up I heard Mike talking to him from his bedroom door. I filled Mike in with what Matt has been going through this day. I hear Matt talking about something about his past and Mike saying something like that's the past nothing you can do about that, be okay with now this is what matters. I hear Loki also trying to help reminding him he has a brother that loves him.
After awhile Matt is back in the kitchen and I can feel he is still sad. I turn around so I am giving him my full attention again and I say. "I know you feel bad because your dad hasn't been apart of your life, but you have a dad who has chosen you, one who wants to be with you, one who helps you everyday. So what feel's better?" "Does it feel good to think about the one who isnt in your life? Or does it feel better to think of the one who chooses to be in your life?" He points with his head towards my bedroom where Mike is. I then says "So then choose that thought. Choose to become grateful for the dad you have the one who chooses you everyday. Choose the feeling that feels better."
He stopped for awhile and slowly I saw it he realized he has been chosen, he is wanted, he is accepted and most of all he is loved. I could feel it, it was like a weight had been lifted and he could be happy.
All day I had tried everything I could think of but nothing was working, was it my words, was it Mike and Loki chatting with him, was it realizing he was chosen? I will never know but I am grateful that he was able to choose the better feeling.
What feel's better? Does it feel good to feel abandoned, unloved, unaccepted or anything like that? No of course not. Does it feel good to feel stressed and unaccomplished? No of course not so what is a better feeling? Love, accepted, wanted, gratitude, appreciated, joy, happy, excitement, successful and the list goes on.
You have a choice, choose the better feeling, Matt did.
