Somedays I feel all alone

It isnt like me to complain, it isn't like me to allow these thoughts to spend time in my head, however there are days I feel so all alone.

You have no idea what it's like to live with someone that is going through a difficult episode, one of fear, confusion, sadness, yes another seizure triggers it all.

As I help him again, try to get clean clothes on him when he has no idea what I am doing or saying and I have to do it all myself. As I tell him over and over again the same thing, as I feel exhausted and so very sad that my son has to go through this.

We have come so far, why won't they stop already, why do we have to go through this, why is he going through this, why do I feel so all alone?

I have some really amazing people in my life, my husband who from our very first time together has always wanted to help me with Matt. I have my children who have helped me and been a big support for me. I have my parents who have always been there for me and help in any way they can.

So then why do I feel so all alone, when I really know I am not?

It could be the thoughts I allow to run through my mind that cause these feelings, it could be seeing him so sad and joy being able to do anything about it except be here for him, it could be feeling lost in all this becomes to much, feeling I am lost in it.

I don't know, but I do know that feeling all alone doesnt help anyone, it doesnt help Matt in anyway, it doesnt help any of my other family, it doesnt help me.

So I allow myself time to feel this, yes it is needed, then I choose better thoughts, I am here in this moment and I am lived and appreciated. I choose to bring myself to this moment and breath. 

I spend a few moments with myself and allow myself to become at one and reconnect, I am not alone, I am all one.

It isnt always easy and sometimes I need longer but I get there.

I am all one is way better then alone don't you think?

And of course for me being in nature helps me out a lot.

Joan Nielsen