I cried last night

lifewithmatt
May 24, 2015
2 min read

My heart sank when I heard that sound,

I sat for only a second before coming to you,

I stood beside you holding my hands on you telling you it is okay I am here for you.

I stood there over you watching your fave which was blue from not breathing,

I stood there and just spoke to you, loving you. There was nothing else I could do.

You body tight, so very tight, shaking so wildly I wish I could do something anything.

But there is nothing I can do, except stand beside you and speak to you.

"Its okay buddy I am here" as I rub your arms "Mommys here, come on back to me"

It last about 3 minutes but it seems so very long your face so blue, your face is to tight and your mouth wide open, eyes all the way up but lids open, to see you like this is so scary, but I can not focus on that, I need to just stay here in this moment to help you anyway I can.

"I love you my son, come on bud, come back to me now" I say to you "its all okay, just let it go and stay with me."

A little more shaking and finaly a breath it is the best thing to happen, now we both take a deep breat as you come out of it.

You jump and and make sounds and jurk away. "its okay buddy its over now, you are okay. Mommy is here with you"

I tuck you in, make sure you do not fall off the bed, get you all comfortable as you drift off to sleep.

You will sleep through the night now and you will not remember the moment we just had, not even aware.

I head back to my room wondering what else can I do, how can I make these stop for you, I am angry and sad and consumed with fear as I to head to my bed, as I lay down I have tears running down my face saddened that you had to go through that.

I remind myself how close we are but it doesnt seem enough my saddness cosumes me and a little more tears, Its okay I hear myself say, its okay to cry, you did a good job momma now rest your eyes.

I was releved and grateful for this appriciation, I was appriciated and not doubting and I was glad.

I chose not to sleep but to think of love instead to fill my self up and choose me again.

I do the best I can and every step counts, we may have fall downs and tears may shed but I am Me and I am doing my best.

Last night I cried and I am grateful. I am grateful I was able to be with you when you needed me most, I am grateful I spoke to you and let you know I love you, I am grateful I appriciated everything I do and I am grateful I am Me and you are You.